One of the best outlets for me is writing in a journal. I love my life, but there were times when I didn’t feel that way. Writing helped me realize that I needed help. I want to share with you an excerpt from my journal during one of the times that I felt really alone.
“I am doing terribly in college. I lost all my high school friends; my boyfriend broke up with me and I am all alone. It scares me to be alone and that I feel so low right now. Everyone thinks I am just a moody girl but really, I am depressed. I just don’t care anymore. I am tired and have no energy. I don’t want to die or anything but I feel like I want to go to sleep and not wake up. I want to get out of my body so that I can get away from my life. Some people would love to have my life but right now all I want to do is leave it. I am sick of trying to be perfect. I have so much pressure on me that I am going to explode. The pressure I know is created by me. Mom and dad are wonderful but my desire to make them proud of me causes so much stress on me. I loved the smiles and pride on their faces when I would come home with that straight A report card. Now I am barely passing my classes and though I know they are still proud of me I feel like a failure. What is going on with me? Why do I feel like this?”
This was one of many journal entries of me battling depression through college, although I did not know it was depression at the time. I had so many people who loved and cared about me, still I felt alone. I kept these feelings bottled inside for fear that someone would tell me I don’t have anything to be depressed about. Many people develop mental health issues after going through traumatic events, but I felt like my feelings were just “whining.” The truth is, it was not whining at all. I have an illness. It is not my fault and just like any other illness I needed help from a professional. I have a chemical imbalance and with medication, I am able to manage my depression. I still have days where I struggle and that is when I know I need to reach out to people that are in my circle of trust.
What I want others to get from my story is that mental illness can happen to anyone and no one should feel ashamed or keep it to themselves. You may not feel it, but there is hope even in the lowest of times. Which is why you must reach out to someone so they can help you. I promise you, you will not always feel that way.
